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00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:28,289
Good evening. It's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

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00:00:28,290 --> 00:00:32,089
in a packed programme tonight, we shall
have excerpts from four new BBC classic

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00:00:32,090 --> 00:00:37,809
serials, What Katie Did, What Katie Did
Next, Who Did What to Katie, and Son of

4
00:00:37,810 --> 00:00:38,860
Katie.

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00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:44,390
And we'll have film of the Knaresborough
Dutchman who got married this morning.

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00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:48,829
This afternoon, he carried his happy
bride over the threshold, but through

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00:00:48,830 --> 00:00:51,420
of habit, dropped bits of her along the
garden path.

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00:00:52,490 --> 00:00:56,309
After that, we present the massed
mounted vans of the household cavalry,

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00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:59,080
followed by the massed buckets of the
rhubarb growers.

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00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:01,850
But first, the news.

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00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:06,529
British Rail has introduced a new
passenger service. It offers you

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00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:10,620
Aberdeen, lunch in Newcastle, dinner in
London, and your luggage in Birmingham.

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00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:18,470
Mr. Zechariah Mole, the world's
untidiest man, died today.

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00:01:18,810 --> 00:01:20,650
His body is now lying in a state.

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00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:32,769
This week is accident prevention week at
Aldershot, and already 300 army wives

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00:01:32,770 --> 00:01:35,970
have signed an undertaking to have a
guard in front of the fire.

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00:01:40,830 --> 00:01:44,829
Meanwhile, the search for the man who
terrorized his nudist camps with a bacon

18
00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:45,880
slicer goes on.

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00:01:45,881 --> 00:01:52,149
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip -off
this morning, but hopes to be back on

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00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,200
tomorrow.

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00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:09,319
The record company who recently issued
Rod McEwan's greatest hit, Without a

22
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:13,319
in the Middle, today offered the
following advice to Biles. Take a polar

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and using it as a template, bore a hole
through the centre of the record.

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For even better results, play the polar
mint.

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00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:27,779
Finally, in mere Wiltshire, a Great Dane
has been crossed with a bicycle pump to

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produce a dog that really puts the wind
up postman.

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Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Barker,
whose hit single this week shot up to

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number 36 in the Irish top 20.

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00:03:06,890 --> 00:03:09,210
I saw you standing over here all on your
own.

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I thought I'd just come over and make
fun of you.

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Well, you have got a problem, haven't
you, huh?

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You're the life and soul of the party,
aren't you?

33
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I bet you're a right old little box of
fireworks when you get going, aren't

34
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I'm sorry? Oh, dear.

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Oh,

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00:03:25,641 --> 00:03:29,229
we're getting vicious now, are we? Oh,
dear, vicious.

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00:03:29,230 --> 00:03:31,809
I hope you're not one of these Hell's
Angels people, are you?

38
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Come round to fright us with your thick
knives and your razor blades and your

39
00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:36,010
copies of Woman's Own, are you?

40
00:03:36,011 --> 00:03:39,399
No, you're probably not, no. I actually
think you're one of those obnoxious

41
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,619
people who gate -crash his parties just
to pick fights with the bouncers, aren't

42
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:46,050
you? I have not gate -crashed, I beg
your pardon. I have an invitation.

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We both have.

44
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Oh, both? Oh, you're married, are you?
Yes. Oh, dear, your poor old wife.

45
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She's scraping the bottom of the barrel
with you, isn't she? Well, thank you not

46
00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:57,399
to talk about my dear wife like that.
She is, in fact, a very warm -hearted

47
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,450
generous person.

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00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,450
I'll have you know she gave me extra
pocket money last week.

49
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,350
There aren't many women about like that
these days. No, thank God.

50
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,200
She sounds a right old dragon to me.

51
00:04:07,201 --> 00:04:09,919
Fancy being stuck indoors all day with
her.

52
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,630
Oh, no, she lets me out every day to go
to work, you know.

53
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,750
Now, don't tell me what you do. You're
an accountant, aren't you?

54
00:04:16,751 --> 00:04:20,239
No, no, much too boring for me. I
require something that's much more

55
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,550
more stimulating. I may not look it, but
underneath, I can tell you.

56
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Proper little firebrand, I should say.

57
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,950
Oh, are you really?

58
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What do you do, then? What are you, a
pork butcher in Golders Green, or what?

59
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:47,060
Gee whiz, baby. Fan my flies. You must
be a right little tearaway, mustn't you?

60
00:04:47,061 --> 00:04:50,479
You probably only came here because you
thought it was going to be an orgy, did

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you? Certainly not.

62
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:55,420
No, no, probably not. I think your idea
of an orgy is a 1952 copy of Playboy,

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isn't it?

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With all the good bits ripped out.

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00:04:58,181 --> 00:05:00,039
What's your name, by the way?

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00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,090
Gavin.

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00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,800
Gavin? I'd say that must be the most
exciting thing about you, isn't it,

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00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:08,960
Oh, God, Gavin.

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I can just imagine your parents lying
there in the dark and thinking, that

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00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:12,910
up.

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00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,080
They must be a right old pair.

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00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:19,150
Talking of right old pairs, who made
your teeth for you? A monumental mason?

73
00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,720
Or did you cut them out of orange peel?

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00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:27,080
Are you trying to make a fool of me?
Good heavens, no.

75
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:30,070
No, no, no. I think you're managing very
well on your own.

76
00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:34,159
Is your wife here, by the way? As a
matter of fact, she's over there talking

77
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,080
your wife. My husband's a millionaire.

78
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:37,610
What's yours?

79
00:05:37,611 --> 00:05:38,709
A little rat.

80
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:39,760
Is he here?

81
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:42,060
Yes, he's over there talking to your
husband.

82
00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:46,030
And it's time he was going home. He's
beginning to enjoy himself.

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00:05:47,010 --> 00:05:48,370
Come on out.

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00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:51,850
Bedtime. You haven't said a word to me
all evening.

85
00:05:52,190 --> 00:05:56,189
Off hobnobbing with your male friends
half the night, me standing here like a

86
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,240
lemon.

87
00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,250
Come on out. Yes, all right, dear, I'm
coming, I'm coming.

88
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,660
Good evening, here is the news.

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00:06:11,661 --> 00:06:15,319
In the House of Commons today, there
were stormy exchanges from both sides of

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00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,559
the House during a discussion on the
Prime Minister's forthcoming visit to

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00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,610
United States.

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00:06:19,611 --> 00:06:23,579
Using the new abbreviated form of speech
introduced into the Commons to save

93
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:29,119
time, the Foreign Secretary replied to
the MP for N2, Mr BF, and said that the

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00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,740
PM should P andO to the US as air travel
was NBG for a VIP.

95
00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:37,820
In the 707, anyone could KO the PM and
the UN could do FA.

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00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:48,869
The latest trade figures are described
as encouraging by the chance of... The

97
00:06:48,870 --> 00:06:55,469
chance of the exchequer. The October
figures... I'm awfully sorry, we seem to

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00:06:55,470 --> 00:06:57,330
picking up sound from another studio.

99
00:06:58,270 --> 00:06:59,320
Excuse me.

100
00:06:59,430 --> 00:07:00,480
Hello? Yes.

101
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:02,570
Yes, of course I can hear it.

102
00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:05,410
Of course I can. It's Jackanory.

103
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:09,870
Well, yes, I watch it sometimes, yes.

104
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,200
Yes, very much. Yes, very much.

105
00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:17,180
I apologise for the sound breakthrough.
It is being traced.

106
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Meanwhile, I will continue.

107
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,770
Inflation still continues to rise at an
alarming rate.

108
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:28,019
Mrs Thatcher, attacking the government's
policy, said, once upon a time, there

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were three bears.

110
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:30,330
I'm sorry.

111
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,200
Once upon a time, there were three
dollars to the pound.

112
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And then there were two.

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00:07:38,620 --> 00:07:40,850
Two little dollar bills sitting on the
wall.

114
00:07:43,251 --> 00:07:46,249
Fly away, Peter. Fly away, Paul.

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00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:50,160
Come back, Peter. Come back in the days
before the Labour government took over.

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She was greeted with loud cheers, and
then she went home and had tea in the

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nursery with lots of lovely jelly and...
And she ate so much that she was sick.

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00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:02,840
Sport.

119
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:07,149
Bob Fairbrother, now fully recovered
from the leg injury, had originally

120
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:10,889
to play this Saturday, but has now
stated that he cannot, as his mummy

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him.

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He says he can't come out to play until
he's done his homework.

123
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:19,090
Now it's time for another adventure
about Little Ben, the Wedge of Wood.

124
00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:26,349
Little Ben was always being hard done by
because he was only made of wood, and

125
00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:29,709
being wedge -shaped made it even worse
because people used to tread on his thin

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00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,030
end and kick his fat end.

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00:08:33,090 --> 00:08:37,109
He was always afraid to walk down the
street because he was frightened of the

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00:08:37,110 --> 00:08:38,510
boy who lived at number ten.

129
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,310
He was called Sonny Jim, but he wasn't
Sonny at all, really.

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00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:47,439
In the boy next door, Dennis the Menace,
used to tease the men, because he was

131
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,839
different from them, and then they'd run
away and he would be left on his own.

132
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And he'd say, why am I always left?

133
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So he went to see Jenkins.

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00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:59,950
He went to see Jenkins the Wizard, who
lived far away in the Welsh mountains,

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00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:03,979
who sometimes turned into a big green
dragon, and other times wore a white

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00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:05,030
collar.

137
00:09:05,031 --> 00:09:09,289
He told Jenkins the wizard he was always
left, and Jenkins the wizard said,

138
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:11,340
Don't be silly. Of course you're not
left.

139
00:09:11,570 --> 00:09:12,620
That's ridiculous.

140
00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:17,209
My advice to you is to go for a trot. Go
for lots of trots. With a few trots

141
00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:19,130
behind you, you can't be left, can you?

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00:09:19,970 --> 00:09:24,630
He turned into a green dragon again and
ordered a large gin and tonic.

143
00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:56,629
Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley, our two
heroes, dauntless, hopeless, and the

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00:09:56,630 --> 00:10:02,249
laughing stock of the underworld, once
again were on the trail, speeding down

145
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:05,560
Devon in search of the answer to a
number of mystifying questions.

146
00:10:05,590 --> 00:10:08,670
Who was murdering the yokels and dumping
them in London?

147
00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:13,370
Why were they all dressed alike? And why
did they all come from the same place,

148
00:10:13,630 --> 00:10:16,450
a remote village called Drake's Bottom?

149
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,320
Iggy and Charlie were on their way to
finding out.

150
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,180
Well, here we are then, Chief.

151
00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:28,619
We are, yes.

152
00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:29,700
No one else seems to be.

153
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,599
There's not a soul on the station.

154
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,190
Perhaps just as well, except we didn't
buy a ticket.

155
00:10:34,620 --> 00:10:35,670
Yeah.

156
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,250
Yeah, when did you change out of your
schoolboy uniform? I never saw you.

157
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,540
In the toilet on the train.

158
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,010
Oh.

159
00:10:43,011 --> 00:10:44,859
Taken a bit of a chance, weren't you?

160
00:10:44,860 --> 00:10:47,270
If you got caught, we'd have had to pay
full fare.

161
00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:50,020
Where is everybody?

162
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:54,110
Perhaps it's early closing day.

163
00:10:54,930 --> 00:10:56,980
But there must be some form of
transport.

164
00:10:58,170 --> 00:10:59,810
Taxi! Yes?

165
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:04,470
How long have you been there?

166
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:06,870
I just come. I come to meet the train.

167
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:08,610
Are you a taxi?

168
00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:09,920
Yes.

169
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:11,880
Well, where is it?

170
00:11:12,470 --> 00:11:15,270
You tell me where you want to go first.

171
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:18,290
We want to go to Duck's Bottom, my good
man.

172
00:11:18,869 --> 00:11:20,009
Drake's Bottom, Chief.

173
00:11:20,370 --> 00:11:23,950
Oh. Well, it's all the same, isn't it?
Well, it's not to a duck it isn't.

174
00:11:25,790 --> 00:11:26,840
Drake's Bottom, eh?

175
00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:28,700
That's it.

176
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,910
You want lower Drake's Bottom or upper
Drake's Bottom?

177
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,170
Up to you, Charlie.

178
00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:37,420
You're navigating.

179
00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:42,429
Well, I suggest we start at lower
Drake's Bottom and work our way up to

180
00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:43,480
Drake's Bottom.

181
00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:45,680
Righto.

182
00:11:45,681 --> 00:11:49,599
Only, I mean, uh... You have got a taxi,
have you? Otherwise all this

183
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,770
conversation is a bit academic, isn't
it?

184
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:54,460
It's at home. I'll just go and fetch it.

185
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,220
Why don't you bring it with you?

186
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,640
Saves petrol, doesn't it? Wear and tear
on the upholstery.

187
00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:04,110
Shall be long.

188
00:12:08,540 --> 00:12:10,950
What about the wear and tear on his
upholstery?

189
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:19,590
I hope he's not long.

190
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:27,600
You got two pea, Chief?

191
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:30,719
No, why? Oh, it's all right, I've got
one.

192
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:31,770
Come here.

193
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,170
No,

194
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:37,360
I haven't got a two pea. It's all right,
I know how to work a dodge on this.

195
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:38,970
Get on.

196
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,730
22 stone six.

197
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,900
Half of 22 stone 6 is 11 stone 3.

198
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,270
Oh, goodness, you've lost a lot of
weight.

199
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,320
Actually, 15 stone.

200
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:01,360
I put on a hell of a lot, you know.
Watch it.

201
00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:18,420
I've never known a place so deserted.

202
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,300
Not a soul about anywhere.

203
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,920
Perhaps they're having a siesta.

204
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,900
Don't they have siestas in Devonshire?

205
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:29,739
A lot of people go to Spain for the
holidays these days. They might have

206
00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:30,820
up the idea from there.

207
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,130
I've noticed more people in London going
to bed in the afternoon lately.

208
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,850
Only because you've been up more ladders
looking in bedroom windows.

209
00:13:39,851 --> 00:13:42,439
I mean, that is our main line of work,
isn't it?

210
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:43,490
Divorce and that.

211
00:13:44,970 --> 00:13:48,640
By the way, that couple you were
studying in Kilburn, were they genuine?

212
00:13:48,930 --> 00:13:49,980
No, they were false.

213
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:52,350
The bra was padded.

214
00:13:55,010 --> 00:13:56,060
Big pity.

215
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,020
Huh?

216
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:00,790
I said big pity.

217
00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:03,170
I thought you said something else.

218
00:14:05,790 --> 00:14:10,909
And so our two heroes, searching for
lodgings, found themselves at Darkling's

219
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:11,960
Farm.

220
00:14:12,490 --> 00:14:15,210
Little did they know what lay in store
for them.

221
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:39,080
There's an unhealthy atmosphere about
this place. I can sense it.

222
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,210
Think you'll find that's the pigs.

223
00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:46,210
Oh, afternoon, gentlemen.

224
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:47,890
Looking for lodging?

225
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:50,240
Yes, I was wondering if you could fix us
up.

226
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:52,750
Yes, I think I've managed you all right.

227
00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:54,160
Come on in.

228
00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:55,540
All right.

229
00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:08,910
You're a big boy, aren't you?

230
00:15:16,491 --> 00:15:23,139
If you gentlemen have had enough to eat,
I'll show you your bedrooms.

231
00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:24,190
Yes, very nice.

232
00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:25,270
Very nice supper.

233
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,160
Shall I be a tech?

234
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:38,019
Have you

235
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,460
a soup?

236
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,540
Yes, it was very nice.

237
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:45,740
What soup was it?

238
00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:47,460
It was nice, wasn't it?

239
00:15:47,740 --> 00:15:50,870
Yes. Good cook, my wife. Good at
anything.

240
00:15:51,570 --> 00:15:52,620
Really?

241
00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:56,890
Not younger than me, you know.

242
00:15:57,670 --> 00:15:59,590
I known her since she were a babby.

243
00:16:02,050 --> 00:16:04,030
I used to sit her on my knee.

244
00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:05,980
Not any more.

245
00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:08,150
If not, she'd suffocate you.

246
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,790
What soup was it?

247
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:13,490
Eh? What soup was it?

248
00:16:13,830 --> 00:16:16,290
Eh? What soup was it?

249
00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:17,580
Eh?

250
00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:18,820
What soup was it?

251
00:16:18,930 --> 00:16:19,980
Eh?

252
00:16:20,770 --> 00:16:22,050
What soup was it?

253
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,320
Eh?

254
00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:24,670
What soup was it?

255
00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:26,040
Eh?

256
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,230
Very nice. Very nice indeed.

257
00:16:28,550 --> 00:16:29,690
Yes, it was nice.

258
00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:33,810
Did you like it? No, it was horrible.

259
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:35,450
Yes, it was nice.

260
00:16:36,150 --> 00:16:37,200
Very nice.

261
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:40,860
Right then.

262
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:45,069
Oh, by the way, lock your bedroom doors
because our Elsie tends to wander about

263
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,120
a bit in the night.

264
00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:48,240
Elsie? Oh, yes, I've met her yet.

265
00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:49,800
She's out at the moment.

266
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,440
Oh, she's lovely. Oh, you'll like her.

267
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:57,419
But she gets sort of restless at night.
She's got a very friendly nature, you

268
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,580
see. And she wanders about half asleep.

269
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,340
And she's a bit inclined to get into bed
with you.

270
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,790
And you wouldn't want that, now, would
you?

271
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,520
I wouldn't. Sorry, I mean.

272
00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:09,470
No, I wouldn't.

273
00:17:10,579 --> 00:17:12,869
Oh, yes, we must remember that. Lock the
doors.

274
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,609
Mind you, I've got the key to all the
rooms.

275
00:18:32,081 --> 00:18:35,739
What is the secret of Darkling's farm?

276
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,780
Is Farmer Green a CIA agent?

277
00:18:37,781 --> 00:18:42,079
What has the farmer's wife got up her
sleeve, apart from half a hundred weight

278
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,130
of mutton?

279
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:49,600
Find out next week in another exciting
episode of Stop Your...

280
00:19:05,201 --> 00:19:06,869
you, Hugh.

281
00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:08,750
Did you manage to get through to HQ?

282
00:19:09,130 --> 00:19:11,290
Two minutes to two. Two minutes to two.

283
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:12,970
Yes, I think they realized.

284
00:19:13,350 --> 00:19:16,960
Yes? I think they realized I was due to
get through. They cleared the line.

285
00:19:16,970 --> 00:19:18,020
Divine.

286
00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:19,570
What news of support?

287
00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:21,200
Nought. Nought?

288
00:19:23,110 --> 00:19:26,490
Lord Gort up at the fort thought we
ought to have sought support.

289
00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:30,230
Before we went out and fought.

290
00:19:30,810 --> 00:19:34,480
Say we ought, say we ought. It's all a
bit fraught. We are going to get caught.

291
00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:35,620
Pass the port.

292
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:40,260
Here we sit, grounded, surrounded, and
completely confounded.

293
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,630
Cut off by the krauts.

294
00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:45,530
Oh, dear, I feel queer.

295
00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:49,890
I think I'll have a brandy, Sandy.

296
00:19:50,410 --> 00:19:51,460
Do, dear, do.

297
00:19:51,461 --> 00:19:55,529
I've been, uh, I've been thinking.
Drinking?

298
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:56,580
No, thinking. Oh.

299
00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:59,450
Yes. We are not trapped completely,
Captain Wheaty.

300
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,930
There are certain very tight gaps in
these jetty -type jets.

301
00:20:03,060 --> 00:20:05,160
Here is a map of one of the gaps.

302
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,320
Take a gander, Commander.

303
00:20:07,321 --> 00:20:11,859
Good grief, O 'Keefe, do you expect me
to squeeze through these?

304
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:14,040
A man of my size with my thighs?

305
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,720
I'm a holiday, Halliday.

306
00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:18,360
O 'Keefe, sir. O 'Keefe, oh, quite,
quite.

307
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,220
Oh, I'm thoroughly misforgotten, hot and
rotten.

308
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,900
And the stench in the trench.

309
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,560
If I'm not caught by Jerry, I shall die
of beriberi. Oh!

310
00:20:28,511 --> 00:20:30,909
Pretty infernal, Colonel.

311
00:20:30,910 --> 00:20:34,580
That's the understatement of the year,
you little queer. I've had it up to

312
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,630
Don't panic and get manic. Oh, it's no
good, chummy.

313
00:20:37,950 --> 00:20:39,000
Oh, lummy.

314
00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:40,830
I want my mummy.

315
00:20:42,830 --> 00:20:44,230
Here, suck this dummy.

316
00:20:46,730 --> 00:20:48,710
Come over to the bed and rest your head.

317
00:20:48,711 --> 00:20:52,649
Try to unroll yourself and control
yourself while I give you the lowdown on

318
00:20:52,650 --> 00:20:53,700
showdown.

319
00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:57,750
Look, now we may have run out of ammo,
but we've still got an ammo.

320
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,040
He is conquering disease by degrees.

321
00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:03,679
Private Schwartz has got warts. Private
Doyle's got boils.

322
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,090
Private Wurzel's pet weasel's got the
measles.

323
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:08,600
Corporal Clappy is not a happy chappy.

324
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:12,279
Still, you can't be a saint with his
complaint.

325
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,060
No, nobody smiles with piles.

326
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,480
Still, it's worse for the nurse.

327
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,960
Oh, God, what a balmy army.

328
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:22,000
Do you fancy a flip, sir?

329
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:24,900
Let's slip out of this hellhole.

330
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:27,919
Well, I'd certainly sooner be in
Solihull than sitting here shivering in

331
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,240
stinking load of shrapnel.

332
00:21:29,241 --> 00:21:31,159
What's the plan, little man?

333
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,840
Frank's tank is on the bank. Frank?

334
00:21:32,841 --> 00:21:35,299
Frank Messiter, the cricketer from
Chichester. Oh, him!

335
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:36,560
I thought his name was Jim.

336
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,810
Is he no longer with us, Smithers? Not
any more. He's gone before.

337
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,180
Jerry threw this grenade.

338
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:42,780
There sat Frank in his tank.

339
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:46,479
dreaming of cricket and a straight
middle wicket. When this grenade came

340
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,550
the wall, Frank thought it was a ball,
caught it and bought it.

341
00:21:49,551 --> 00:21:53,759
So there sits Frank's tank on the bank,
and we've only Frank to thank.

342
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,080
Can you drive it, private?

343
00:21:55,260 --> 00:21:59,419
I think so, yes. I can say without fear
of being egotistical, my vehicle test

344
00:21:59,420 --> 00:22:00,680
verged on the artistical.

345
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,620
I can't repeat that.

346
00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:04,660
I'd rather not try. I can quite see why.

347
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,490
When we leave... As soon as you feel
partial, feel partial. Oh, good.

348
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,080
So it's all go, go, go.

349
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,560
Bravo. We're all set. Let's have a wet.

350
00:22:12,561 --> 00:22:16,439
Talking of a wet, might I be excused,
Generalissimo? I want to pop outside for

351
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:17,490
a... Yes, I know.

352
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,280
And so must I. So must I. But watch out
for a hun with a gun.

353
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,730
You go first.

354
00:22:23,980 --> 00:22:26,270
If I hear a short burst, I shall feel
the worst.

355
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,090
If you hear a long thigh, you'll know
I'm high and dry.

356
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:37,120
Hello? Your 45th, the Fusilier here,
HQ82.

357
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,410
Who are you?

358
00:22:38,411 --> 00:22:39,419
You are?

359
00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:40,470
You are? They are?

360
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,180
Oh, how far?

361
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,580
Oh, hurrah! I see you in the barn by
your cigar. Ta -da!

362
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:48,850
We're relieved.

363
00:22:48,860 --> 00:22:49,910
You as well, sir.

364
00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:53,260
Get the Sergeant Bone on the phone.

365
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,079
Captain Hooper has turned up trumps
with... 22 troopers. They fired a

366
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,750
and hit the Kaiser squarely in the
tricer. He has retreated much depleted.

367
00:23:00,751 --> 00:23:03,859
Ah, then now's our chance. Before we get
hurt and dropped in the dirt, let's put

368
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:04,839
on spurt and dessert.

369
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,940
But... Dessert? It's a good idea, my
dear.

370
00:23:06,941 --> 00:23:10,499
You think we could start a new life
together, Merryweather? Of course we

371
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:14,120
silly man. Oh, you've made an old man
very happy, you dear chappy.

372
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,180
Just call me Merry, you old fairy.

373
00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:25,590
Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan sisters.

374
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,740
Lay that thing down before it goes off
and hurts somebody.

375
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:01,930
one two one

376
00:25:39,150 --> 00:25:44,229
This week I'd like to tell you, if I
may, a rather religious story, because,

377
00:25:44,230 --> 00:25:48,710
you probably know, today is the last
Thursday before Sunday.

378
00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:54,609
I know that sounds rather like a
pathetic excuse to tell an old joke, and

379
00:25:54,610 --> 00:25:58,290
is exactly what it is, because this joke
needs an excuse.

380
00:25:58,291 --> 00:26:01,689
And if I could have thought of a better
one, I would have done. But as my old

381
00:26:01,690 --> 00:26:06,569
dad used to say, he used to lean forward
in his chair, Ron, he used to say like

382
00:26:06,570 --> 00:26:08,490
that, you know, Ron, you know.

383
00:26:08,491 --> 00:26:09,739
I always remember that.

384
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:14,079
Actually, he didn't lean forward. I am
leaning forward so that you'll know when

385
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,250
it's me talking and when it's him, you
know.

386
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,040
Ron, he used to say. He had a wonderful
memory for names.

387
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:26,839
Ron, he would say, and a habit of
repeating himself that I seem to have

388
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,020
inherited. Ron, Ron.

389
00:26:29,021 --> 00:26:33,139
You know, I've concentrated so much on
method acting that I can't for the life

390
00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:36,680
of me remember what he said. Oh, yes,
yes, again, yes, again, yes.

391
00:26:37,150 --> 00:26:42,449
Ron, he said, always remember, he said,
always remember, if I had a pair of oars

392
00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:45,460
and some water, I could have rode this
chair to Oxford by now.

393
00:26:48,430 --> 00:26:50,030
He didn't say that, I said that.

394
00:26:50,910 --> 00:26:55,990
What he actually said was, Ron, always
remember, he said, the show must go on.

395
00:26:55,991 --> 00:27:00,329
And he was 40 years a centre lathe
turner, so I don't know why I troubled

396
00:27:00,330 --> 00:27:01,380
mention it.

397
00:27:02,470 --> 00:27:03,610
But I did, so there.

398
00:27:03,950 --> 00:27:05,000
Anyway, the joke.

399
00:27:05,130 --> 00:27:11,209
Two vicars meet in the street, and one
of them says, Woe is me, he said. Woe is

400
00:27:11,210 --> 00:27:15,549
me, some thieving parishioner has made
off with my bike, and from now on it

401
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:18,630
looks like Shanks' pony forever and
ever, etc., etc.

402
00:27:18,930 --> 00:27:20,490
Or worse for that effect.

403
00:27:20,750 --> 00:27:25,349
Good heavens, said his friend, lapsing
into the professional jargon. Good

404
00:27:25,350 --> 00:27:26,400
heavens, he said.

405
00:27:26,401 --> 00:27:29,429
By the way, now please don't think, I
don't want you to think I am knocking

406
00:27:29,430 --> 00:27:33,220
religion, or anyone's religion in
particular. I wouldn't do that, believe

407
00:27:33,420 --> 00:27:36,010
I can't wait to see the Pope catch up
with Dave Allen.

408
00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:42,620
That'll cure his dandruff.

409
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:47,600
Anyway, I do come, to be honest, I come
from a very, very devout family.

410
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,080
Actually, my mother has recently started
her own religion.

411
00:27:51,740 --> 00:27:55,470
It's called the Hare Krishna Good Old
Days and Bingo Appreciation School.

412
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:01,679
And it's all based... rather loosely on
the assumption that Del Shannon is a

413
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,360
reincarnation of Nellie Wallace.

414
00:28:03,361 --> 00:28:08,279
My dad actually goes along with it all,
to be honest. Just something to do since

415
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,330
his ferret died.

416
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:16,779
He is actually the high priest of the
golden altar and second reserve human

417
00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:17,830
sacrifice.

418
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,300
He was first reserve, but he works in
Tesco's on Friday evenings.

419
00:28:25,301 --> 00:28:30,859
Actually, to be honest, they're both
rather eccentric, you know. It runs in

420
00:28:30,860 --> 00:28:34,110
family. Good heavens, I've got an aunt
who likes Bernard Manning.

421
00:28:35,700 --> 00:28:36,750
I digress.

422
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:37,930
I digress.

423
00:28:38,180 --> 00:28:42,259
Back to the story, which incidentally
was told to me by our local vicar, you

424
00:28:42,260 --> 00:28:44,550
know, after Eden Song and the Rat and
Handbag.

425
00:28:44,551 --> 00:28:47,899
There's a little hostillery I frequent,
you know.

426
00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:50,190
It's four -starred in the short change
guide.

427
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:56,280
And I promised... I promised to tell it
on the telly because he is a nice chap.

428
00:28:56,650 --> 00:29:01,409
what a worker too I'll tell you
something I recall that an immigrant

429
00:29:01,410 --> 00:29:06,149
moved into the parish and he was round
there before you could say get the curry

430
00:29:06,150 --> 00:29:13,049
on a short talk from him and they not
only embraced Christianity but asked

431
00:29:13,050 --> 00:29:20,009
if there was any more of it he pops into
the round he pops into the he

432
00:29:20,010 --> 00:29:23,490
pops into the he pops

433
00:29:26,060 --> 00:29:28,230
I told you I had a habit of repeating
myself.

434
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:33,199
He pops into the rat and handbag, the
vicar, has a couple of pints, and takes

435
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:34,760
confession behind the jukebox.

436
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,830
He's not a Catholic, you know, he just
enjoys confessions.

437
00:29:38,831 --> 00:29:43,919
Anyway, I don't know why I'm talking
about it so much, actually. If he hadn't

438
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:47,470
got the wrong collars back from the
laundry, he'd still be on the buses.

439
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,220
And there we are, the two vicars.

440
00:29:51,221 --> 00:29:54,619
talking about one of them had his bike
stolen, remember?

441
00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:59,280
Woe is me, he says, our one whose bike
it was. Yea, woe is you, said his

442
00:29:59,281 --> 00:30:01,839
His friend said, what about the local
police?

443
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,579
He said, I've thought about them, but I
don't want to accuse anybody until I'm

444
00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:05,630
absolutely sure.

445
00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:11,339
And his friend says, I've got an idea.
He says, next Sunday, you get up there

446
00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:13,640
and you give them the full ten
commandments.

447
00:30:13,641 --> 00:30:17,219
And when you get to thou shalt not
steal, have a look for the red face, and

448
00:30:17,220 --> 00:30:19,750
will be the one who has purloined your
philosophy.

449
00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:26,099
But I have a great temptation about here
to tell the story about when Moses was

450
00:30:26,100 --> 00:30:29,879
in the desert. And he heard the voice
say, Moses, how would you like some

451
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,919
tablets of stone with some commandments
engraved thereon?

452
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,779
And Moses replied, you must be joking.
He said, here I am, fed up, far from

453
00:30:36,780 --> 00:30:39,619
home, in the wilderness, and you are
trying to sell me some stones.

454
00:30:39,620 --> 00:30:41,119
Goodbye and thank you for calling.

455
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:45,379
And the voice said, I am not selling
them for free. And Moses said, I'll take

456
00:30:45,380 --> 00:30:46,430
ten.

457
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:56,459
A couple of weeks later, the two vicars
meet again and they stand there talking

458
00:30:56,460 --> 00:30:57,510
shop about.

459
00:30:57,511 --> 00:31:00,899
you know, life on the one day a week and
that sort of thing. And if buttons go

460
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:03,910
out of fashion, will people put zip
fasteners in the plate?

461
00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:10,540
One of them said, how did you get on
about your bike?

462
00:31:10,541 --> 00:31:14,119
Did the Ten Commandments idea work? And
the other vicar said, yes, he said, it

463
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:18,839
worked marvellously. He said, I went
through them all one by one, and when I

464
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:22,270
to thou shalt not commit adultery, I
remembered where I left my bike.

465
00:32:15,879 --> 00:32:21,280
I am heaven, he is die.

466
00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:28,819
Though he's small and I be no much, he
can get

467
00:32:28,820 --> 00:32:32,220
much lower than I am.

468
00:32:32,460 --> 00:32:38,459
Me and heaven, me and heaven, all

469
00:32:38,460 --> 00:32:42,500
we want to do is sing like anything.

470
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,580
to make an honest curse.

471
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:21,039
We might have a young face or an old
face. You can't tell behind this

472
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:22,090
ruddy dust.

473
00:33:23,140 --> 00:33:27,060
Ruff and tuff and black as the ace of
spades.

474
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:34,379
Ruff and tuff and black as the ace of
spades. There's no colour problem

475
00:33:34,380 --> 00:33:36,420
down the pit.

476
00:33:41,850 --> 00:33:43,690
We use our brains, boys.

477
00:33:43,910 --> 00:33:46,910
We leave the mines and start life anew.

478
00:33:47,610 --> 00:33:51,810
But the coal dust gets into your veins,
boys.

479
00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:54,430
And lots of other funny places.

480
00:33:56,230 --> 00:33:59,730
Pit head baths, they don't remove the
black.

481
00:34:00,350 --> 00:34:06,750
In the nude, we stand there back to
back. Like a ton and a half of nutty

482
00:34:21,679 --> 00:34:24,940
© BF -WATCH TV 2021

483
00:34:45,389 --> 00:34:50,409
Took a girl to have some fun she last
Friday night.

484
00:34:51,610 --> 00:34:58,289
Wouldn't let me kiss or hug her. She
just come to watch the rugger. Sent her

485
00:34:58,290 --> 00:35:00,330
home that stupid blood wind.

486
00:35:02,121 --> 00:35:03,969
My

487
00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:12,249
wife

488
00:35:12,250 --> 00:35:14,250
is a real fanatic.

489
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:43,019
I met a girl

490
00:35:43,020 --> 00:35:47,060
called Megan, oh, she's got a wooden leg
and a wooden tit.

491
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:53,279
Be nice sort of look on her face Now
Megan was a cockney And her one knee it

492
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:59,099
a knockney And the other one had
woodworm All over the place Megan's flat

493
00:35:59,100 --> 00:36:04,479
far from us And she made me a solemn
promise To show me a Dylan Thomas On a

494
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:10,219
bookshelf in the loo I started shaking
When she said her name was Megan Bacon

495
00:36:10,220 --> 00:36:16,280
You can guess what I had for breakfast I
had berries

496
00:36:22,540 --> 00:36:27,859
I met a girl called Sally, who worked in
the Rhondda Valley, giving lessons in

497
00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:33,739
Bali, and she charged half a quid. I
danced with my fan, we, and my fan, we

498
00:36:33,740 --> 00:36:38,560
said, can we? I fell flat on my fan, we,
and we damn nearly did.

499
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:42,800
Then I met another girl called Shirley,
who was big, beaky, broad, and burly.

500
00:36:42,940 --> 00:36:47,020
Her hair, it was short and curly. She
played scrum hard for real.

501
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:54,699
But the nicest was Amanda, when I kissed
her on the... She asked

502
00:36:54,700 --> 00:36:57,880
me to stop and I'm stopping there still.

503
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:09,639
Once a year the ball is ringing with the
sound of Welshmen

504
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:16,100
singing. At the fancy dress I stepped
foot down in go, go, go.

505
00:37:17,060 --> 00:37:20,940
It was such a grand I stayed foot.

506
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:28,499
Opened by the Duke of Bedford. I went to
rest as Robert Redford on

507
00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:30,320
his half day off.

508
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,780
Everyone competing.

509
00:37:35,180 --> 00:37:37,600
Drinking, smoking, eating.

510
00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:43,999
Songs were sung and leaks were sprung
and things were seen that wouldn't bury

511
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,050
teaching.

512
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:49,380
Oh, conductor Albert Stratton.

513
00:37:49,690 --> 00:37:56,569
trouserless, but with his hat on, a
ribbon tied around his baton,

514
00:37:56,570 --> 00:37:58,810
he one second cries.

515
00:37:59,350 --> 00:38:06,289
To the valleys of the Rhondda, singing
songs from way back

516
00:38:06,290 --> 00:38:13,090
yonder. But our minds are bound to
wander when we've had a jar.

517
00:38:13,910 --> 00:38:17,870
Blood wins bosoms cause a ruffus.

518
00:38:18,190 --> 00:38:25,110
Especially when she's wearing jumpers.
Black like knockers, more like bumpers.

519
00:38:25,150 --> 00:38:27,270
Oh, God, no more car.

520
00:38:29,250 --> 00:38:31,210
Megaton of Randy.

521
00:38:32,130 --> 00:38:35,090
Granny smashed on Shanty.

522
00:38:35,710 --> 00:38:42,090
Auntie Glad's gone raving mad with a
Randy handyman from Tony Pandy.

523
00:38:57,260 --> 00:39:03,120
And so say all of us. And so say all of
us. Oh, don't go down the mine, Dad. Oh,

524
00:39:03,140 --> 00:39:06,620
don't go down the mine, Dad. Oh, don't
go down the mine, Dad.

525
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:11,520
There's plenty of coal in the bath.

526
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:22,939
Before we go, two late football

527
00:39:22,940 --> 00:39:26,360
results. The Arsenal -Stoke City match
was abandoned.

528
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:30,750
and the game between Nanita Nancys and
Farnham Fairies was very abandoned.

529
00:39:32,900 --> 00:39:34,380
So that's all for this week.

530
00:39:34,381 --> 00:39:38,219
Next week we hope to be talking to the
man who crossed the naughty 90s with a

531
00:39:38,220 --> 00:39:40,450
Japanese airman to get a cami -nicker
pilot.

532
00:39:41,940 --> 00:39:46,459
And we'll have a live link -up with
Australia where a skunk has been crossed

533
00:39:46,460 --> 00:39:48,620
with a koala to produce a poo bear.

534
00:39:48,621 --> 00:39:56,029
And good news for coach drivers, Peter
Pan has successfully been crossed with a

535
00:39:56,030 --> 00:39:58,800
travel pill to produce a little boy who
never throws up.

536
00:39:59,990 --> 00:40:02,470
And finally, news from the Middle East.

537
00:40:02,770 --> 00:40:07,949
After exchanging his 500 wives for 500
others at a harem -swapping weekend

538
00:40:07,950 --> 00:40:13,309
party, his magnificence, the potentate
of Abdul El -Wadi, henceforth wishes to

539
00:40:13,310 --> 00:40:16,250
be known as his patheticness, the
impotentate of Abdul.

540
00:40:19,670 --> 00:40:25,649
So, it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

541
00:40:25,650 --> 00:40:30,200
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